by Harris Bloom
There's a Reason They Call It Barking
Barking - The art of standing on a street corner and annoying pedestrians to see a particular show by lying to them about how great the show will be. This can be done for pay, or in my case, for stage time on said show.
There are a few ways for fledging comics to get stage time in New York on real shows...
1) Most clubs have "bringer shows," where you have to bring paying customers to the club (we'll get to bringer shows in another installment)
2) Work at a club by seating people, barbacking, or even cleaning toilets ("...You've seen our next comic in the men's room unclogging the john, give it up for...")
3) Date a pro comic, or:
4) Bark
Though I alternately hate/feel sorry for barkers, I decided to join their ranks as I'm running out of friends to bring, wouldn't even clean my own toilet and my girlfriend wouldn't let me date a comic (she's not very supportive).
If you're curious what I said to bark folks in, here's a condensed version (note: The club is next to New York University):
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONIGHT! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU CAN USE A DRINK!! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONIGHT! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
(What the heck am I doing here?)
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONIGHT! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
ALSO GOT FOUR DOLLAR BEERS!! IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOU CAN GET DRUNK ON EIGHT BUCKS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONIGHT! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
(Wait, is that?...yup...rain...perfect)
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONIGHT! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
(Aww shit, is that...)
"Hey, how's it going? Yeah, barking, I'm one of those. (awkward silence) Okay, see ya 'round. By the way, you wanna see a great show tonight? Oh, okay, yeah, see ya."
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONIGHT! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
(I'm too old for this)
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONIGHT! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONIGHT! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
(Thanks Dave, it's great to be here. Yes, as a matter of fact, I do have a new movie coming out. It's about...)
After an hour and a half, I went into the club and waited for my turn onstage. There were eight people in the audience, which sucked but it could've been worse - if they don't get six, they cancel the show. Waiting my turn, I hung outside with the comics, who were all paired up in conversations, so I just stood in front of the club by myself. At about eleven, I was told that I was next.
I did my five minutes to the sound of silence, briefly interrupted by a chuckle or an occasional cough.
Exhausted, I slunk off stage and put on my jacket to leave. "I'm too old for this crap," I thought, and decided to tell the manager that I couldn't bark any more.
Before I could open my mouth, he enthusiastically said , "Great job up there."
"Thanks."
"Really, I'm not just saying that. Don't worry about the crowd. They've been dead all night. You just worry about writing and getting up. I think you got something."
Though I've already seen and heard enough in the business to question his motives, I could feel my face getting flush as I responded, "I really 'preciate that...Thanks! See ya next week!"
