by Harris Bloom
Read Part 2
Barking - The End of a (Really Short) Era
The second and third weeks were much like the first. If you're too lazy to look in the archive here - it was cold, rainy and I didn't get to perform in front of more than fifteen people at any one time. But at least I was getting stage time, a valuable commodity for an up and coming comic.
I really thought I was good at barking. I had watched others bark and couldn't help but notice they didn't have nearly the joie de vivre that I did - maybe cause they'd been doing it for years and were bored, or maybe cause I was an idiot.
Unfortunately, my enthusiasm didn't translate into ticket sales. In both weeks I barked, I got no one to go in. The third week was even worse. How could it be worse than zero, you ask? Read this exchange:
Me: Great comedy show tonight!! Comics you've seen on TV...and Me!!! $4 Beers!! Come for the drinks...stay for the show!!! Best show on the block!!
Dude (with woman in tow): I have a question for you.
Me: Shoot.
Dude: I'm in the entertainment business and I have a client doing a showcase in the village tomorrow night and I want to make sure it's a full house. How much do you charge to do this?
Me: I do it for stage time, but I think barkers get like 6, 7 bucks an hour. You can probably get kids off Craigslist to do it.
Dude: That's a great idea!
Me: How 'bout coming to a great comedy show tonight?
Dude: (To his lady friend) - You want to?
Lady: Sure, why not.
Dude: Ok, we're in. And thanks for that idea.
Me: No problem.
I handed them discount tickets and they started to walk towards the club. After a few seconds, I had another idea...
Me: You can also post signs on lampposts and traffic lights!
Dude (stopped in tracks): Yeah, that's a great idea too! Thanks!
Me: Okay, seeya at the show!
Feeling good about getting customers, I finished my shift and almost ran to the club. There were seven people in the audience...and not the dude or his lady friend. I was worried about getting on stage since I'd heard that if you don't bring anyone in, they may cut you from the show (and I'm sure the manager wasn't in a great mood considering the "crowd" size). I felt a bit better when someone told me that I was going on fourth. Awesome.
Then Bill Burr walked in and did an unannounced spot. Then someone else walked in. Next thing I knew, I was bumped. The manager apologized but explained that when name comics walk in they bump the barkers, in order of who brought in the fewest patrons. I told him I understood, and I did. It's a business.
As I left, I wondered what happened to the entertainment dude and his friend. Turning a corner, I had my answer - they were plastering signs on lampposts advertising their protégé's gig the following evening.
The next day I quit. The only thing worse than barking for stage time is barking for nothing.
