Dan Kennedy Blog Thing: ReallySmallTalk.com

IN CASE YOU TWITTER

Right, so -- at the McSweeney's/826 Valencia benefit gig, I mentioned something in the panel discussion about how I'm constantly typing ideas and stuff on my phone when I'm walking around New York. During the break, someone told me about Twitter. I didn't know what that meant. So I ignored the interesting young person and went back to my hotel to be old and normal and continue in my ways. And then in Portland someone told me about it. And in Chicago. And then the next thing you now, I've been all set up to rock you on Twitter. So far I've let nobody in particular know that two homeless drunk men were fighting. You're welcome, America.

DSK

RUMORS OF MY DEATH SOMEWHAT EXAGERATED

Just so ya know, it's all about this for a little while longer. There are some notes from the road here and then in March will likely be stumbling back over here to ReallySmallTalk.

Dan

PRAYING TO DEVIL, READYING FOR ROCK ON BOOK TOUR

January 30th, 2008

It’s almost time to get on the road. We’re running through the last minute stuff here. Smoke machines are getting serviced and tested, the huge Rock On skull with snakes coming out of its eyes had some electrical problems, but I think my road tech got it fixed. Some bookstores have refused to let us put rigging into the ceiling so I can be lowered into the reading area on the huge hydraulic forked tail…so in some of the bookstores I will simply do a stripped down show and enter from the front of the store, running through the crowd to the podium, shooting my Jack Daniels cannon into people’s mouths as I plow through. There was an article in Boston that accidentally listed the Brookline date as 2/5 — it is, in fact, 2/12. The McSweeney’s folks have posted a nice succinct list of Rock On tour dates with addresses. I’ve got to run out and get an extra pair of glasses for the road, some electrical tape for my nipples, and a class C pyrotech license for the larger stores I’ll be reading in. — DSK

P.S. You can now also send an excerpt of "Rock On: An Office Power Ballad" to a friend via the “email this” feature. I don’t know…there’s just something very appropriate about being able to get part of a book about a record company job for free on the internet so you can share it for free with your peers.

A HAIKU FROM JANUARY 18 2008

Bobby this won't mean
that Spassky won in the end
genius, mad, then gone.

You've Asked How to Write Advertising Copy

And in the face of a demanding schedule, I have once again reached out to America with tips on how to create More Truly Groundbreaking Copywriting. It is at the McSweeney's site. You're welcome, and I'm sorry.

-Dan Kennedy

There's Nothing Funny About Stand-Up Comedy: Part 10

By Harris Bloom

"Will the Real Richard Stein Please Stand Up?"

It was recently announced that The (World Famous) Comic Strip would no longer be holding open auditions. This is a sad day for comics like me who looked forward to the semi-annual opportunity to perform for the club's booker, and hear how we sucked. We'd all get in line on the specified date, pick a date out of the hat, and come back to perform on that evening's show. I'd get quite nervous going up, as getting passed by The Comic Strip can really put you on the comedic map. The last time I auditioned, I was nervous just signing up...

One of my comedy buds, "Richard Stein," was busy with a comedy class he was taking so he couldn't make it to the club to sign up. Knowing that they just take your info and give you a date, he asked me if I knew anyone who wanted to make some quick dough. Enter my work-friend, "Mike."

Mike agreed, for fifty bucks, to wait in line with me, and get Rich his audition date. I gave him Rich's info - phone number, e-mail address, home address - and told him to put Rich's phone number in his cell just in case he forgets his own number. He refused to convert to Judaism and shave his head to facilitate the deception.

We got in line at 5:15 (already about 100 comics there)...and stalking the line is Stewart Alberts, one of the managers from the New York Comedy Club. He was using the Comic Strip auditions to get phone numbers of comics to call to do "bringer shows" at his club. Stewart greets me but doesn't take my info since we've talked before, and he knows I wouldn't be interested. Then he approaches Rich/Mike....

Stewart - Hi, don't think I know you, I'm Stewart Alberts, manager at the New York Comedy Club.

Rich/Mike - Hi, "Richard Stein."

Stewart (thinking) - Didn't we meet before?

Rich/Mike (nervous) - No, I don't think so

Stewart (frowning) - Your name sounds familiar, but you look different (note - I swear that's what he said)

Rich/Mike (more nervous) - nope...not me

Stewart - Okay, well, gimmee your phone number and we'll call you for auditions to our club (note: Stewart's idea of an "audition" if for you to bring people to the club and him telling you that you need more practice...so bring more people)

Rich/Mike - Okay, it's...ummm...917-...ummm (retrieving cell phone) - I just got a new number and I can't remember it - okay - it's 917-816-1050...wait! 1030...yeah 917-816-1030

By the time he spit it out, Stewart was looking at me with a "Is this guy for real?" look.

After Stewart moved on, I texted Rich, "You might wanna steer clear of the New York Comedy Club for the next few months."

-- Harris Bloom

Psst: See Mr. Bloom's blogging situation.

PHOTO: Hello from The Moth StorySLAM in NYC

Sent in by the lovely and talented Hilary McHone.

Rock-O-Nator

In case you weren't aware, there is now this groundbreaking piece of technology that I've developed with a team of scientists and musicians. Yeah, so...

Prepare to have your mind blown by the chilling accuracy of what happens when I coax music and technology together in order to introduce you to, um...anyway, please enjoy THE ROCKONATOR.

PHOTO: ADDING MORE COWBELL TO THE NEW BOOK

There's Nothing Funny About Stand-Up Comedy: Part 9

By Harris Bloom

Life on the Z List

A few weeks ago, I appeared on "The New Yorkers," a cable talk show that appears on UHF cable. I have no idea what UHF means other than I used to watch Video Jukebox on it when I was in college.

Following the instructions I received from Lenn Cooper, one of the show's producers, I made sure that my hair, makeup and styling was done before arriving at the studio. He also gave me directions via the subway and walking (I guess not many of their guests arrive by limo or even taxi).  I was told that even though the show starts at 11 (LIVE!), I had to be at the TV studio at 9 so that they can cut out a piece of the DVD of one of my Gotham Comedy Club performances as a clip for the show.

I walked in to see a few people sitting in folding chairs staring at me. (Apparently that was the "green room.") For some reason I just stood there  in silence until one of the women pointedly said, "Good evening."

"Ummm, hi," I replied, before finding out that I was in the right place. Eventually I made my way back to the engineer's room. I gave him my DVD and was working with him in cutting out the clip I wanted for the show when one of the producers, a really short 50-something year old Joe Pesci sounding wannabe with his graying hair slicked back, came in and yelled,  "You're supposed to bring it IN already cut!"

"Well, I, uhh, called...they said I could bring it in as is."

"WHO said that?!?

"Ummm, Lenn Cooper?"

"Look, we have no time for this!" He instructed the engineer to start working on something else. I saw the person who got me on the show. She had seen me at StandUp NY the  previous week. "I'm sure you'll do fine,"she said, "I don't remember any of your act but I'm sure it was funny."

Then I asked her how I looked.

"You look fine, besides, believe it or not, everyone looks better on TV. Trust me."

At 11:00 PM, the show started. I was watching on a monitor in the green room. Some of the guests included...

- A singer who finished 4th in Star Search five years ago

- A guy who did a documentary about suicide bombers

- The host's friend (I assume) who brought newspaper clippings and read them

- A red-headed 20-something year old guy who spoke about mysticism and the wonders of smoking and eating cannabis. He had a hand written "Proud to be Poor" sign hanging off of his shirt pocket. He was insane.

- A salsa singer whose clip had him singing solo in front of a blue florescent backdrop. His voice was barely audible over the music. If Pedro from  Napoleon Dynamite ever decided to sing salsa, I think he should study that performance.

- A 40-something year old stripper who's trying to make it as an agent.

The stripper told me that New York really sucked her in when she first arrived. "It was crazy. like heroin...as soon as I got here, it was in bloodstream...I was hooked. I haven't left since."

"Where did you come from?" I asked, expecting to hear Kansas, or perhaps  Bulgaria.

"New Jersey."

The show went on and on and on and on - finally around 12:45 AM when cannabis boy went on, I knew I was next. How did I know? Because there was no one else there.

My interview lasted about 10 minutes, which included a clip...I have no idea if it was the right one though. I don't know because not only couldn't I hear the clip while in the studio but when I got home to watch the tape, they forgot to start taping until half way through the interview. The host seemed intent on asking me boring, in-depth questions about my accounting gig and whether I think companies still cook the books (when I replied, "yes," he reacted as if I told him where Hoffa is buried.)

After my piece was over, I walked back to the green room to get my coat. I was exhausted and dreading the three subways it would take to get home. The insane, cannabis-eating, mystic was standing there, as if to greet me.

"Dude," he started, "I was about to leave but I started watching your interview and the clip....Holy shit, that was funny!"

"Really?" Thanks!"

"Just wanted to tell you that," he added, and then gave me the peace sign, and walked out.

The subway ride didn't seem so bad.

-H.B.